Learning a lot of things working with Sister Panoussi. Learning about expression, especially since she seems to struggle with it. I am a poetry writer, you know that. I can't say it's good poetry, but it's a way to vomit my feelings on paper. I've let Sister Panoussi read a few. At first she didn't get it. She frowned and was confused and looked back at me and shrugged. And that's hard for me because I don't like everyone hearing my stuff. And I especially get frustrated when they don't understand it. It's like "HEY HERE'S MY SOUL! OH WAIT YOU DONT GET IT? NEVERMIND."
So I broke them down for her, we went through them line by line until she understood the dusty corners of my mind. I helped her see how abstract thoughts and strange words can portray a message. This week she got really upset with me. There were small things that bugged her, but she didn't know how to say them out loud. In the back of my mind, I knew exactly what was wrong. I know her well enough to see it on her face. But I waited. I wanted to see how she would bring it up. Finally one morning she pushed over her notebook. Written in it was a simple poem. She cried as I read it. I smiled when I was finished, despite having been rebuked through poetry for the mistakes I had made that week, I was so proud to know she had found a way to express it. Especially a way that I understood so well. I won't say it was Shakespeare. But it was self-expression. And that's a beautiful thing. We were able to sit and talk openly about what she had been feeling. We both had apologizing to do and humbling to do, and it was great for both of us. I'm grateful that I've been taught so much about self-expression. I've found that I do pretty well at telling my companions how I'm feeling. It's important. And it's hard. To take what's in my brain and my heart and vomit it out into words out into the open and spread it out on the table and watch them try and take it all in. But it's so important.
We participated this weekend in an activity for the Laurels and Priests called a Mini-MTC. They spet a day with us. Studied, received training from missionaries. We role played together. Each missionary was assigned a companionship of two youth. One of my Sisters was named Sabrina and it made me want to cry when people said her name. Neither of these girls have huge plans on serving missions, but they're awesome girls. They taught the first lesson to "investigators" and I sat back and watched, and helped them improve each time. It's amazing how imperfectly you can teach, and yet how much can be gotten out of it simply because of the spirit. This is what members don't understand. The most powerful part of it all is bearing your testimony. Nevermind the details. Nevermind explaining it all perfectly. It won't be perfectly. Even when missionaries do it, it's not perfect. But when you bring the spirit, people will feel it and it might not make sense but they'll think "what the heck is this feeling?" and if they're ready- they'll want it. And if they're not- they still need it. We even got to go to a dinner appointment in Farmington, someone than none of us knew. The dad had served in the Philippines. So I did what I always do and pretended to be more filipino than I really am. It's amazing just to see how much I've changed. How confident I can be in a strangers home. How much I can love people I've just met. It was a great time to look back, to reflect, to gain the courage to keep going forward.
I miss you all lots, I'm expecting to be transferred next week, but only God knows whether or not that'll happen. I've enjoyed this time in this strange corner of the universe so much. I love you all, and I am grateful every day for the things at home that have prepared me to do this great work.
Pinches on everyone's tum,
Sister Valdez
1 the original black eyed peas
2 a homegrown golden delicious
3 last night when the power went out
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